The Dream that Saved Me

The bracelet below is inspired by my dream, but the dream is much more serious than the owls on the bracelet imply. This morning I woke up thinking about my owls. I have kept this part of my life very private until now, but with all the darkness and hate that is permeating the world today, I feel I must share it and hope that it helps someone.

When I was 8 years old we moved. It was the weekend of President Kennedy’s funeral. When I started the new school I was far, far behind in math. We had been studying the “new math” on a TV at the old school, but at the new school they had already learned long division. I had a terrible time catching up. I hadn’t even done multiplication yet. I was also chubby, had a chronic sinus infection, and I was a little odd. These things do not combine to make a popular kid.

2B or not 2B: Dark Days

I’ve been a little suicidal since I was around five years old. That was when my aunt molested me, my father got sick, and my maternal great grandfather died. I remember not wanting to be alive any more after his funeral. He would sit on his porch with me and talk to me and teach me things like how to carve a chain from a stick and how to kill flies with a broken rubber band. My father got an overdose of radiation at his job soon after that and had to be gone a lot while he was studied by doctors in Boston and Chicago. When he was home he was a shell of his former self. He was like the ghost of my father.

My abusive aunt was 11 years older than me and the clueless adults around me wouldn’t listen when I tried to tell them how bad it was. She loved to torture anyone who couldn’t fight back. My maternal grandparents were my only allies, but they couldn’t do much about the other side of the family. I loved spending time with my Granny and Poppy. I felt safe with them.

Fast forward a couple of years when I was eleven or twelve. Someone in my class had a party and I was one of the very few people who were not invited. I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering why they didn’t like me and thinking of ways I could “not be alive any more.”

The dream

That night I had a dream. I was engulfed by darkness. Not the black of a moonless night, but the total darkness of the deep interior of a cave. Fear gripped me for a second, then I heard a rustle-just a whisper of a sound. I looked toward it and a person was near me, but hidden by the dark.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“It’s okay, you know me,” a man’s voice told me-not audibly, but as a thought. I felt at ease but my mind was still doubtful.

“I don’t know you.” I expected an outburst or at least a little vexation from him, but there was only calm.

“Yes, you do. Come with me. I’ll lead you,” he said.

I was still afraid, but I took his hand since there was no one else around and I could go nowhere on my own.

It wasn’t long before I saw a tiny light in the distance.

“What is that?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.”

As we got closer I could see that the light was coming from a small window in a one-room shack. We got to the door and he said, “Open it.”

“Is it okay? Who’s house is it?” I asked.

“It’s okay. You’ll be fine.”

I eased the door open and stepped inside. The room was filled with dozens of owls. Not ordinary owls, but every species and each one in a brilliant neon color. Light emanated from them so brightly that it hurt my eyes. Some blue, some red, orange, green, yellow, purple–they all seemed gentle and absolutely gorgeous. Poles went across the room for perches and they flitted around making soft owl sounds.

I was in awe. “They’re beautiful! Are they yours?” I asked.

“No, they’re yours,” he said.

“They’re not mine. I don’t have anything like this.”

“They are yours. They will be. You’ll make them.”

Then suddenly it struck me in the way that you get a sudden rush of thoughts that are over in an instant but which impart tons of information.

“I know who you are,” I said to Jesus. I couldn’t see his face, but I felt him smile.

“Yes. I know you. You will create these in your life,” he replied.

“I don’t see how I could do that, but I’ll try,” I said and I felt loved like never before. Then I woke up.

Have an owl!

During the worst times of my life, when I have been severely depressed or in a bad situation, I think about this dream and hope that maybe my life has purpose; that I’ve made a difference and will keep doing so. And every time I start a new project I add an owl somewhere to honor the giver of my dream. That’s how I named my blog and the shop I used to run. Even when I first named my jewelry design business DCM Designs, I used an owl as my logo and incorporated my initials.

My ardent hope is that others can keep going without having a dream like mine. I want you to know that there is always hope! There are so many people hurting and so much sadness that I want to spread some love so I give you each a bright owl.

I firmly believe that EVERYONE has “owls” of their own. Let them grow and send light into the world to make it more beautiful. Fill the world with light and love. Make yours any shape you want–turtles, or fat neon numbers or clouds. Just share with others the best in yourself. The darkness will dissipate and the world will become a better place.